- Apr 9, 2019
- 1 min
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Trailheads Counseling and Psychotherapy, LLC
Creating secure attachment in relationship
Welcome to the web site of Ralph Lind, LPCC. I am a therapist in private practice specializing in couple work, working with couples experiencing crisis due to disclosures of sexual infidelity, compulsivity and other problems that have breached the boundaries of a couple's relationship. You are welcome to contact me whether you are in crisis, or if you wish to enhance the relationship you have knowing there is more or deeper connectedness with the partner you love.
Training and Background
I’ve been in this work for 17 years, about 11 of those years in private practice. My supervision period and first 6 years of practicing was a the Samaritan Counseling Center in Albuquerque. Prior to training to be a licensed therapist, I was a minister in Portland, OR for 13 years. I have a seminary degree, M.Div., and Masters Degree in Counseling from Sorthwestern College in Santa Fe. I have a New Mexico LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor), and I have always been active in continuing education, most of which has been focused on couple work training. I am trained in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) modality of Richard Schwartz. I am also trained in the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) of Terry Real. I am trained as a Sex Addiction Therapist by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Therapists (IITAP). These are the 3 sources of training I use on a regular basis. I am also trained in EMDR, and have taken advanced training from John Gottman and trainings in couple/sex work with Berry McCarthy. Pat Love and her work has been a significant resource in my formation. I highly value the contribution of each of these sources enabling me to serve couples in an effective way.
The following poem by David Whyte is a beautiful tribute to a loving relationship. I felt something was missing and added a poem reflecting my work.
The Truelove
There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.
I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.
Years ago, in the Hebrides
I remember and old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of the baying seals,
who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,
and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them,
and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly,
so Biblically,
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love,
so that when we finally
step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds us
and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all the struggle
and all the years,
you don’t want to any more,
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live
and you want to love
and you will
walk across and territory
and any darkness,
however fluid and however
dangerous, to take the
one hand you know belongs in yours.
Make it So
You are weary with the one you love,
tired of the repetitious arguments
where you know the Other’s dance steps
as well as your own,
and with a last gasp you wonder
what is it you are fighting about?
You hate yourself for doing it yet again,
you hate this relationship that consumes you
and part of you hates this Other
you are attached to
who drives you to this point of insanity.
No-one should have to put up with this!
No-one else would put up with this!
How can something so plain and simple
not be obvious to this Other…?
Here’s the good news and bad news.
The good news is that
most likely there is a solution,
there is a path forward
that enables this relationship
to get unstuck from the sucking quicksand
so easily floundered in.
The bad news - it starts with you,
not your Other.
Why do you react so strongly?
Is it really about this person before you
who you so emphatically loved
with all your heart
such a short time ago?
Likely not…it is about the footsteps
the Other stands in.
It is about the faint tune
you hear played and mistakenly
you think you identify the song.
It is the ancient shield raised to fend off…
what? A ghost? A phantom?
No phantom
would make your heart pound like this.
That ghost has been dead
since forever…or has it?
What if…wait for it…
you are making an error,
simply a mistake.
What if there is nothing
for that shield to fend off?
What if…wait for it…
that thing in your hand
is a bloody sword
not of righteousness nor protection,
but of desparation
long in need of updating
from its hidden origins?
And what if the Other
is similarly deluded, in a time warp
of their own creation?
What if you glimpse silliness,
not right or wrong?
An error, instead
of a wrong to be righted, or avenged?
What if you really need the glass polished,
not Another?
What if the first step was you
looking for your Innerwork,
not correction of the Other, or protection.
What if…gasp!…it isn’t that bad to error,
when it is easily corrected?
What if…gasp…you knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
if you laid down your weapon,
you’d see the Other’s out stretched hand
and their sword discarded…
What if the polished glass
revealed an attachment so strong,
nothing could prevent you
from defending and protecting it.
What if the polished glass revealed
a hand always reaching for the Other,
and it was yours,
as was the one reaching towards you, your’s.
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